*(there is a song attached to the bottom of this blog)*
Because Letting Go is a process, one that can’t possibly be addressed all at once…. I am going to write this blog in a few segments…. in the way, I have experienced it, step by step, day by day, moment by moment. This is how I begin:
Elizabeth Lesser quotes the novelist Robertson Davies when speaking of her ‘Shaman Lover’. She says, “One always learns one’s mystery, at the price of one’s innocence,” and continues, in her own words with this, “I was learning my mystery-the mystery of myself-and paying with my innocence…. but the time had come. I also knew, in walking away from my Shaman Lover, that I would never again fall in love with such wild abandon and blind determination. I was terrified to give up a love that saved me. But I knew further that what I had found with my Shaman Lover was mine to keep.”
I have walked in the same path as she, profoundly moved by what I would ultimately have to let go of. Forever changed. Like Adam and Eve, I ate from the tree and now I had the knowledge, the knowing. I understood something that I had never before understood and from them on would always know. We have all been there, in that place where we hold something so powerful we fear releasing it, but know that we must, for it was meant to come, to teach, to love, but not to linger. And if it should one day return, it would not be as it once was, but entirely different, something completely new.
Maybe for you it was a relationship a best friend, someone in your family, an addiction, a way of life, or maybe like Elizabeth, it was a Shaman Lover. Whatever you have held, you know when the time comes to release it. The question is: ‘ how do I give it up’? The truth is, I’m not entirely sure, but I will share with you what I’ve experienced. In the rooms of 12 step recovery they say, ‘you must concede to your inner most self’. I believe this is the first step. We must sit alone, in the quiet, and honestly listen to the truth God is speaking to our hearts. The feelings of discomfort will rise. I always want to check my phone or finish an email or do something noble like call a sick friend, work on a song, but all are my attempts to run from the seat of my soul. Knowing it will just prolong what I must face, I don’t buy into the distractions. I sit. And I hear the voice of God, ‘it’s time, Tyler. It’s time to let go.” Oh how I don’t want to. I rationalize. I tell God how it could be, to wait, to give me another month another day another year…. not yet… I don’t want to let go of it yet. God is gentle. Feeling angels gather, I hear the words of truth, sweet & freeing, ” let it go…. it was never yours….. we take no hostages…. to everything there is a season….. open your hands….give it to me….. it is time.” With tears pouring down my face, I take that first step…. I concede to my inner most self what I must do.
Next, step 2, I breathe because step 1 was so hard, I realize I’ve been holding my breath. But, a peace has come, not a comfortable peace, but the peace of truth, of making a decision, of being honest with myself. I call a trusted friend, a really trusted friend, and I tell her what I found in my heart when I sat with myself. I tell her what the Spirit told me, because I know I’m going to need someone to walk beside me as I literally ‘let go’. I don’t ask for her opinion, but she knows, because we do this for each other. She simply smiles, puts her arm around my shoulder, and says, ” I know this is hard. I’m with you”.
Having conceded to my inner most self, shared with a trusted friend, I am at the beginning of the road. Taking my first few steps, I begin as they say, to ‘trudge the road of happy destiny’. Heeding Shakespeare’s admonishment, “to thine own self be true,” I come back to me. I call my spirit back from all the places I have sent it, in search of what I thought I must have to survive. I am with myself. This is the begging of LETTING GO.
sending you love wherever you are in the world.
Give It Up (click this link to hear the song attached to this blog) ( song written by Tyler Hayes & Cary Barlow. performed by Tyler Hayes)